It's a day off, so I have some time to sit here at home. I could be out being adventurous, but I had a good workout this morning, weighed in (down a pound!) and came home to shower. I'm happy to sit here. I have a lot of writing I want to do, and I just haven't had the time or energy to blog a lot lately.
Anyway, I logged into my OkCupid account and saw I had a new message. One in which the guy asks me why I'm not teaching right now (I suppose not everyone pays attention to federal holidays), followed by, and this is quoted:
Ps. I dont like your mosquitos so many in lincoln lol
Right, sorry about that, dude. I'll get on that. Maybe bathe more.
Oh, I get it. He doesn't mean to insult, but I'm still left with this, "What do I even say?!" resounding in my head that leaves me not wanting to respond.
Just like I didn't respond to the guy who had this to say when I told him I identify as a feminist:
Well, in my eye's all humans are equal. Its our individual actions that make us believe were more or less than others.
Labels are just another way of creating seperation.
Gah. Yeah, women get paid less because we think we are less than men. Try again, dude. This conversation came up because he had bragged to me about running a 5K for breast cancer awareness:
Lol, im trying to break the 20 minute mark. My last 5k was 20:54 oct for breast cancer awareness. Doing my part to save bewbs.
I simply responded, "Or, you know, the women behind the bewbs."
In my profile, I describe "what others first notice about you" in three simple words: "Short and shapely." It's true. I'm 5'2" and I have hips that don't lie, or whatever. Junk in the trunk. I am curvy.
And again, I know that the guy from this next message didn't mean to say that this is a bad thing in general, but wording, people, wording!
You are shapely but it suits you. Your very pretty. Im josh
Yes, it suits me because it's how the universe made me. And can you, you know, find something else to approach me with? Like, "Oh hey, I'm a 49ers fan, too!" or "Hey, what instrument do you play?" Works for other guys.
It's not all bad, this online dating thing. I've had a couple of enjoyable dates recently. They haven't led to much, though one says he wants to see me again...as he disappears for a week without any contact and leaves it entirely to me to arrange something else. I'm quickly losing patience.
There's two nice-seeming guys who want to see me and we've got some tentative plans to meet for drinks or coffee this week, so that's good. Still, I feel like I'm putting a lot of effort into making it happen, with little input from them. While other women get the overly aggressive creeps (and believe me, I'm happy I'm not getting as much of that this time around), I seem to be attracting the guys who want to meet me but have absolutely no clue how to proceed with making it happen.
It doesn't help that there's a That Boy in my life. Oh, That Boy. I like him, admire him, so much, but beyond a lovely friendship, there seems to be nothing there. Oh, we laugh, we flirt...and I know he watches me. Well-meaning friends tell me, "Oh, ask him to coffee already!" but I'm not quite ready to face that he could very well say no, and then I'd have to see him several times a week with both of us feeling uncomfortable. Maybe he feels that way, too. Afraid to try. Maybe he still has a girlfriend (though he spends major holidays on his own so who bloody knows?). It's so hard to say, and my chances to truly talk with him are so limited.
So there you are. My love life in a nutshell. I let myself get distracted last year by a pretty great guy, but there was nothing there, on his side, so back to That Boy I went. I never really left him, truth be told. And I try meeting new guys, going on dates, giving them chances, as well-meaning friends tell me to do, because I get it, I know. That's what you're supposed to do when you're a woman on the dating market who respects herself, etc. etc.
Even if, every time you see That Boy, you think, "Why the hell not?!"
Still, I believe in hope. I've heard of friendships that had to steep, like tea, before they were romances. I can live my life--working, dating, cultivating my friendships and my interests--even while maintaining some hope in that part of me that sees so much good in That Boy.
Stay tuned. I'm feeling reflective and maudlin today. Maybe one of these new guys will shake things up a little.