A few months ago, I was out to dinner with a bunch of high school friends. Of the six ladies there, four were married, one is a single mom, and there was me--never married, no children (and fine with that, thankyouverymuch). The inevitable question came up sometime between our entrees and dessert: "So Megan, are you seeing anyone?"
That evening, I just smiled coyly and told them about a dude I'd been flirting with, mostly via text because we lived in different towns, and hopefully closed the question off for a while.
While I'm very open about many things in my life, my dating life isn't really one of them. My closest friends get the details, and have to put up with the angst (and there is, of course, plenty of that), but you'll notice that unless there's a funny story, I really don't put a lot of it here on the LPB...and even less on Facebook. Partly because I don't want to tell everyone all the cool details about a new guy only to have it...not go anywhere.
But I have been dating. Not quite as much as I'd like, but also more than I mention here. I've had some flirtations, some first dates, and even one non-relationship/friendship/okay, we'll get kissy-kissy but this is NOT serious thing that kept me guessing for several months until he told me, in July, that he is seeing someone. I guess I'm happy for him, even if I'm sad that it means my flirting with him is now at a dead standstill.
The thing about dating is that it can very quickly devolve into me sitting here, staring at OkCupid and wondering why none of the "good" guys want anything to do with me while I get stupid messages from guys with a 46% matching rate to me asking if I'm horny. It's not at all what I signed up for and it gets frustrating...fast. So a week or so ago, after a particularly angsty night of thinking I might as well become a nun, I deleted all dating profiles and decided to go at least a couple of months without any online dating sites in my life--in other words, get out in the real world more, and build myself up by meeting people and making my life happen, instead of sitting around at home hoping Romeo is also signed up for this dating site.
Of course, the last three weeks have been completely focused on my new job because they have to be. I'm happy with that--there's a lot to learn, a lot to accomplish, and I want to do the best possible job. Dating and all of its associated dramas would just get in the way. This doesn't mean I can't flirt and have fun; it just means that my primary focus right now is rebuilding a career I love and really want to thrive. It means that instead of looking to the attention from men to feel good about myself, I'm looking inward, at my accomplishments, my commitment to my job, and the things I've finally learned I'm capable of. It's a good feeling.
I suppose, in a couple of months, I might go back and re-open my profile, see if a renewed attitude, one that isn't fed up with disgusting messages from weirdos who answer "yes" to the match questions, "Do you think men should be the head of the household?" or "Do you think women are obligated to keep their legs shaved?" might bring fresh results. After all, I met the above-mentioned flirtation via OkCupid and while it had a rather pathetic ending, it wasn't all bad. We had some fun and I suppose we still have a decent friendship, in the odd times he texts me wondering how things are in my life.
But for now, it's all about ME. It has to be, and I'm okay with it. Of course I want to eventually find someone to commit to, to settle down with, but I also know that if I'm not enough without that person, I'll never be enough with him.
And that's where I'm at. I suppose I should be feeling rather like Bridget Jones--a sad spinster, but honestly, I simply don't relate to her anymore. There's too much good in my life, too many possibilities peeking out at me, waiting for me to run to them and grab them up. And so I shall...and The Dating Game will still be here when I'm ready to return to it.