Out Of the Fog

Golden Gate Bridge, foggy morning.

April started off on a bad note, with Echo passing away and all of the associated stress of attending her funeral, grieving the relationship I wish I could have had with her, and then feeling behind in everything else when I got back from Idaho. Our whole household has been a bit down in the last few weeks, and while I wouldn't attribute all of it to that one event, I'd certainly say that it was a factor in determining our reactions to everything else over the weeks since.

I've been more easily annoyed lately, less inclined to be social. At choir rehearsals I would stick my phone in my face as I waited for things to get started, then spend our break time back at it. The poor lady next to me would try to chat and I'd nod and smile vacantly, before rudely turning back to Facebook, or Twitter, or Instagram. I just didn't have the capacity to chit-chat and be cheerful, for the most part.

For most of the month, I was also staring down May with a growing feeling of dread. Job training, choir concerts, private lessons, teaching, a Spring Musical, etc. etc. etc. I've been so nervous about making my Spring concert and musical at Petite School a knock-down success, that I've almost made myself a wreck worrying about all the stuff that can go wrong. In the end, it's not worth it. A performer could get the flu, forget a line, whatever, and you know what? The show will go on. It just will. I am the only person making myself stressed by the high expectations set by the previous music teacher. Everyone else is being incredibly supportive and awesome, including my principal, who helps kids with lines, offers encouragement, and generally does her best to make sure I feel supported and serene.

Something seems to be turning, though, and I couldn't be happier. Suddenly, it's May--I couldn't put it off forever. The calendar has a way of moving forward whether we want it to or not.

I attended my job training on Saturday, and after getting up early and leaving at 6 AM, I found that the training itself was actually a lot of fun, and my summer colleagues will be a great group to work with.

I found that I actually do have "me" time this month--maybe not as much as usual, but what time I have, I'm using wisely by not trying to get everything done. I'm allowing myself to read, to relax.

Last night, I arrived at choir early, to buy a couple of tickets for my parents. I found myself chatting with one of our board members. He doesn't sing, but he attends every rehearsal and watches us put our music together. We shared how the process brings us just as much joy--if not more--than the actual performance. The performance is thrilling, empowering. But the weekly rehearsal, where 160 people gather just for the simple joy of making music, is where the true joy in choir lies.

In the hallway, a crowd had gathered, waiting for the choir room to open up (there's a class that lets out twenty minutes or so before we meet). I chatted with a fellow soprano, and asked if I could scratch her service dog's ears (she said yes and the dog happily allowed me lots of ear-scritches). Before I knew it, rehearsal was starting and I hadn't once looked at my phone--except to make sure it was on silent mode.

We sang all of the music we will be singing in our upcoming concert (I'm not above begging my local friends to come to this--Lest We Forget, a salute to our armed forces). As we worked our way through Ralph Vaughn Williams' stunning Dona Nobis Pacem last night, an incredible joy swept over me. I have loved this piece since we started singing it in March, but last night, it clicked. It's there, it's ready. Just a few things to fine-tune, and a chance to practice it with our orchestra, and we are going to blow the audience away on May 18.

The end of the piece is an incredibly uplifting refrain of "good will toward men," and I found myself smiling as I sang, responding to the smile on Don's face as he directed us. I didn't think about Big Bad Musical, or my giant To Do List. Gone were thoughts of petty dramas in my life, or worries about this, that, and the other. I was simply happy to be there, singing this gorgeous piece of music...happy to finally feel some of the fog of April lifting off my shoulders. 

When the fog lifts, the Golden Gate is at its best.