It should be apparent, if you've been keeping up with the LPB, that lately, when I'm not bragging about my fitness accomplishments, I'm stressing out over an upcoming insurance licensing exam I've got this week (Thursday). And a career change. And everything that comes with being a typical Leo, which is a fixed fire sign (Holy Stubborn Streak, Batman!!). For a woman who moved to England to take a teaching position, I am remarkably resistant to change sometimes.
Let's not lie. I'm terrified of starting a new career. What if I hate it? What if I'm bad at it? (Leo pride is famous, you know.) What if I can't manage my time working for myself? What if I can't get my morning workouts in? What if?!?!
I have this tendency to worry about things long before I need to--I realized that this week and I'm consciously making an effort to knock it off.
I'll let you know how I do.
The good news is that I have a lot of fantastic, stabilizing influences in my life--friends, family, my cats, running, and my twice-weekly workouts with M. the Reasonable. Choir. Listening to Keane. Angry Birds on my Kindle. Reading romance novels. (Don't judge. It's escapism.)
The even better news is that while I have my moments of anxiety and I've had a few too many crying jags in the last few weeks, I'm not balancing on a ledge or anything like that. I'm just stubbornly refusing to admit that hey, maybe this could...you know, turn out alright. Better than alright--maybe even really, really great.
A week or two ago, Mom and I were discussing my lack of belief in myself. Mom said, "Why don't you believe you can do this? Everyone else thinks you can! Why not you?" To which I replied, "Why don't you believe in yourself sometimes? Everyone else thinks you're awesome!" Mom paused, smiled, and replied, "Touche." Turns out that part of being human is being our own worst critics.
As I acknowledge my weaknesses, I find I'm achieving a greater sense of calm. I've been able to really focus this weekend on the online course, and I'm not a basket case over wrong answers and my own perceived lack of understanding. I'm learning the tricks of the questions and how to read and look for context clues (something I spent 8 of the last 10 years teaching my students to do, how 'bout that?) and I'm finding that so much of it is common sense and careful reading...hey, I can do this!
Yesterday, I was driving from a training with my soon-to-be company to the gym when up ahead I saw a car with "Trust God" scrawled on its back window. Normally, I roll my eyes at such things, or ignore them all together, but yesterday, I simply smiled. And I thought, "Yeah. Trust God." Yes, my definition of God is, perhaps, different than the (I'm assuming) Christian driver of the car ahead...but as I drove towards the gym, a sense of calm settled over me as I realized that as long as I do everything I'm supposed to do--work hard, keep on eye on "my six" when I can, and go out there and do what needs to be done, the universe will return in kind. And when things are difficult, God or the universe still have my back. I just have to trust that all of this is pointing towards something better, and set about making it so.
I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The new career will either work out, or it won't. The bottom line is, I owe it to myself to give it a try, and to do everything in my power to stay calm. (If you need me, I'll be out running my anxiety off.)
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