Dominoes

Push just one...and down they go. Opportunity abounds.

I slept like a baby last night. I hadn't been sleeping well, the last couple of weeks, being plagued by brief 3 a.m. wake-ups and various other issues. It's been a stressful time, you see.

Several weeks ago, I made the decision to work for a company. In the time since then, I have gone back and forth--wildly--between "Yes, I can!" and "Oh, my God, what the hell am I doing?" More and more, I began to believe that this was absolutely not the right move. But I passed my insurance exam last week (by the skin of my teeth) and because I was already up to my eyeballs in all of this, I knew I needed to go for it.

I started on Monday. My gut was telling me that this path was not right, but I went to the office and started the training. When my team leader was in a brief meeting with his boss, I escaped to the ladies room and watched my hands shake. But I gave him my time and attention that morning and vowed I would give this career a fair shake...even when it started to become apparent that it would be longer than expected before I saw any money come in, despite all of this time spent training.

Financially, I just can't accept that. I have bills to pay, and obligations to fulfill. I can't wait 'til May to start making money. And I also could not escape that feeling, deep in my gut, that Meg the People Person is not Meg the Salesperson. And much as it pains me to admit it, I am not savvy enough to manage a business of my own, which is what I would have been doing. The thought of the tax obligations, and putting more money into this before I had any return...it was just too much.

My unsuitability for this career was proven yesterday, when my team leader and I went out "in the field" for some of his business. I was so uncomfortable "cold calling" businesses, walking in and opening conversations about insurance.

Finally, I voiced my doubts to my team leader, and my financial concerns. We had a candid discussion and it ended with him giving me an option to think about things and let him know. But I think he knew which direction I was going. I apologized for wasting his time--he said, "You didn't. I'd rather you figure this out two days in, rather than two months in. Then I'd feel like I'd wasted my time."

Why did I go so far into this? Even knowing I was stressed and miserable and unhappy? The first word that comes to mind is desperation. It is not easy being an unemployed American in this economy. And this particular company talks a good talk about the earning potential and how great it is. It's a fantastic company, but it's not a company for everyone.

The next word is duty. On my own, I decided that I had some sort of duty to my family to do this. For the record, my parents are awesome at acknowledging that I am an adult, capable of making decisions and knowing what is best for myself. It was not their fault that I got it in my head that not proceeding with this would be letting them down...and I admit that as I continued to feel miserable, I almost blamed them, and felt that they saw me as a child. That's not fair. I have to own that I got myself into this without their assistance. Now that I have some clarity, I own it completely, and I am incredibly grateful that my parents accept my decision.

So...I walked away. I was not under contract. Various conversations with a few close friends on Monday helped me find some clarity. Nothing is worth the anxiety, the lack of sleep, the stress I was feeling about my finances and my future. In the immediate future, I need a job in which I can earn money for the work I put in. So I walked away.

It was one of the hardest decisions I've made in a long time. While I absolutely knew it was the best decision I could make, it was still very, very difficult to do. I felt like I might be letting my parents down. I worried they'd be mad (they're not. Confused, perhaps, but they trust me to know what is right for me). I worried that their friend, who works for this company and who has been quite supportive of me, would think I'm a complete flake or moron or both. The good news is that no one thinks I'm a moron. Even the friend, when I called her today, said, "I understand completely."

Yesterday, after I left the office, I wrote to my friends Shae and Nicki about what I'd done. They congratulated me for following my gut and then Shae said, "Things are about to change." I asked her what she meant.

"You have certain moments where you stand up for yourself or make a tough decision and its the first domino."

She was absolutely right. Within a few minutes, I had an interview set up with another company--selling insurance, but more to existing clients or to people who walk into the office. The job has a base salary, with opportunities to earn commission. It's not a sure thing--I got an interview because the man knows my friend Summer (connections matter!). But it's something. The first domino fell.

I went to teach my weekly piano lesson--I have one student currently--and towards the end, my student's best friend came to the door with her mother. The mother saw that I was teaching and immediately asked, "Are you taking any more students?" They live across the street and she wants piano lessons for her two children.

Another domino.

I have spent a lot of time yesterday and today applying for jobs at places like Raley's, Safeway, Home Depot, Whole Foods. I'm going to wear this town out with my job applications and find something to make money. There are careers to be had at some of these places. Careers I can do, and even find satisfaction in.

So there you have it. My financial stress is not over yet--I owe money on my taxes this year, etc. etc. But I know that I can find something and make this work. If anything, this whole debacle has lit a fire under my butt to get serious about finding a job, rather than wistfully staring at Ed-Join every day, wishing for music jobs to open up.

I'm going to knock the dominoes over and watch my life resume the course it was on before I lost my Stockton job.