Nice Girls

My friend Britni posted a great blog a few days ago about guys not taking a hint, or not taking "no" for an answer, and it got me thinking. I've been giving the online dating thing another go (with mixed results) and finding that there seems to be this perception that women have to behave a certain way if they want to get a guy.

It drives me batshit insane.

I'm a "nice girl." I smile, I hold doors, and generally, if you approach me with caution, I won't bite. But I'm also fiercely protective of my personal space and my boundaries, and if I think you're encroaching on either without an invitation from me, I will swipe.

Apparently, this makes me a bitch.

When I left for college, I had never kissed a guy. I didn't date in high school, so college was exciting in that there were guys who (sometimes) wanted to spend time with me. I was young, and naive, and I thought that just because a guy bought me dinner, I had to sit there in his car and let him stick his tongue in my ear. I thank God all the damned time that he didn't rape me.

His name was Brett, and he was 10 years older than me--twenty-eight to my very naive, very eager to meet Prince Charming eighteen. He lived with his grandmother (which should have been a red flag) and was still working on his undergrad education (should have been another red flag) and he wanted to meet me (I can't remember how we "met" exactly but I think it was through Chico's online chat system).

When he picked me up I remember feeling disappointed and even a little grossed out. Here was a guy, ten years my senior, who had misrepresented himself hugely. He gave me a bouquet of carnations and some cheap chocolates. He took me to dinner, but before we could go anywhere, he parked the car on the side of the road and started kissing me. It was my first kiss, and I hated every minute of it. I turned my head away, and that was when he tried my ear. I still shudder thinking about it.

The date was a disaster. I was scared, as I had finally figured out that here was a man who just wanted to get his kicks with a naive18-year-old.

The next day, I had a hateful email from him, telling me I was an awful person--a bitch--because I wasn't in to him. This was 14 years ago, so the particulars are long erased from my memory, but the shame and horror I felt, standing in the middle of the crowded student union building, fighting tears, still haunt me. Wasn't some of this his fault? Was it fair for him to tell me I was in the wrong?

Fortunately, I had friends to tell me, "you are not in the wrong," friends who comforted me and held me up.

Not my finest hour, but I started to learn an important lesson (though it would take another ten years, at least, before I could truly practice it). I should never apologize for not being attracted to someone, or not wanting to kiss them, or not wanting to talk to them.

Fast forward to present day. I'm giving OKCupid a go, and I've had one date so far from it, as well as some nice conversations with nice men that have gone nowhere. We don't click; it's fine. Maybe the next one will, maybe not.

A few weeks ago, I was perusing various profiles when the site's Instant Message feature popped up. I find the IM feature vaguely annoying because I alway seem to get messages when I'm busy responding to someone's profile or previous message to me, but I haven't disabled it because there have been a couple of guys I've wanted to chat with in real time.

Anyway, user MR (abbreviated to protect the identity of the stupid) sent me the following message:

(1:38:47 pm) MR: can i ask?

Vaguely annoyed by the interruption, I figured I'd get back to him when I had a moment, and kept doing my thing.

(1:40:41 pm) MR: that shoe pic is a tease!! lol

Oh, geez. Yes, one of my profile pictures is me in my fabulous Steve Madden shoes. They are sexy. Uh-huh. I was still busy and didn't respond. I left the site for a little while to check Facebook or some other distraction, but went back again. Almost immediately:

(2:00:37 pm) MR: hello???


By this point, I was annoyed enough that I wanted to reply, but I also didn't want to engage him. Then he sent this gem:

(2:01:51 pm)MR: i was told you had a good personality...so....helloooooooooo :-)


I about spit on my computer screen at this. Yes, dude, I have a "good personality." That does not make me obligated to talk to you. I started raging out loud to myself about how I can't stand how women are expected to be "sweet," and "nice" and to respond to men who give them the creeps as though we owe them something for showing interest in us. The creeped-out feeling of my first kiss came crawling back and I got mad. 

I am a nice person. But you are getting in my face and making me nervous and I am going to protect myself from that. This does not make me a bitch, this does not make me a bad person. Why is it that I'm expected to fall at the feet of any guy who shows interest?

I logged off OKCupid for a while. Later that evening, I was back on, having an IM chat with a guy I actually wanted to talk to, when another window popped up.

(8:31:41 pm)MR: .

(8:32:41 pm)MR: do you like your feet kissed
Enough was enough. I typed out the following, then made good on my promise to block him. Obviously I haven't heard from him again, and that's fine by me.

(8:34:11 pm)LMS: Dude. I haven't answered you. I don't like your tactics, and I'm blocking you.

What kills me is that even though I felt a righteous ammount of "fire" about this guy's approach, I still had to check with some of my friends--was I being too harsh? They assured me that no, if a guy is this pushy trying to start that first conversation, not respecting that I do NOT want to talk to him, then how much respect is he going to show me later? That's right, not much.

It reminded me of another crazy little tale from my dating files. After three messages from "Kid," I finally let him know--gently--that we were not a good match. His repsonse was enough to scare me off of online dating for at least a year.

I'm tired of being labelled the bad guy. My attitude towards online dating is that someone is either interested in me or they're not. If someone just isn't that into me, I'm not going to try to guilt him into changing his mind--I have way more dignity than that.