I'm Firing My Fairy Godmother

She's really dropping the ball.

You know, most of the time (I dunno, about 95-98% of the time, really), I'm actually quite content to be single.

Let's face it, we live in a day and age in which women must be prepared to take care of themselves. Marriage comes later to most of us. Many of us choose to be unmarried longer because there's a lot of world out there to see and experience.

So yeah, most of the time I'm actually quite cheerful about the fact that I'm free to do what I want, when I want, without consulting a significant other, or worrying that he might want my time. My toilet seat is always left down. No one leaves their messes in my home--any messes are my own. There's no one hogging the covers at night, or snoring.

Life is good!

But then there's that pesky 2-5% of the time that I really, really wish I had someone to cuddle with when I'm watching a movie. I'd so adore having someone to take impromptu weekend trips to Napa or Tahoe with. But meeting people seems to be so difficult. I'm not happy to troll the bars looking for Mr. Right Now, and I have had ZERO luck meeting guys at work (besides, there's that whole "Ewww...dating a colleague" factor).



So, in moments of supreme weakness, I do the inevitable: I call upon my fairy godmother and sign up for the nearest online dating program.

First it was Match. Then Yahoo Personals. I'm noticing a disturbing trend: The guys I find reasonably attractive always end up being those annoying types with profiles that read like the Super Summer Edition of Extreme Outdoors Magazine. "I like hiking, camping, biking, kayaking, cross-coutry skiing, snowboarding, moutain climbing, swimming with sharks, and next week I'm leaving to climb Everest. I'm looking for a girl who doesn't mind getting a little bit dirty. : )"

Heather summed up best: "Listen, I'm not sleeping with a rock up my ass. Been there, done that."

Okay, back to the drawing board. Hey, nice photo! I check out the profile to find another huge pet peeve: "hi. i am looking fro a gal to hangout with and be friends with maybe more. no drama pleese. i have lots of self confidants."

Okay, boys, listen up: If you can't use the freakin' spell check option and learn at least rudimentary grammar, then don't write to me. Assume that I will be treating your profile/email as a possible employer would read your resume.

Then there was the guy whose headline caught my eye: "Looking for a girl with a sense of humor."

Hey, this is promising! I'm all about having a sense of humor!

Turns out every single photo this guy has posted of himself is basically the same. In each one he looks pissed-off and constipated.

Okay, Fairy Godmother, I'm getting a little bit piqued here. Work your magic!

Unfortunately, my fairy godmother is stuck in traffic on Highway 4, driving her pink Caddie and chain-smoking a mile a minute. She's not exactly on par with Cinderella's fairy godmother; I found her in the Yellow Pages.

This is Eunice:


And so I wait, clicking on profile after profile, starting and ending hopeless conversations with men I have absolutely no interest in, just to say I'm trying. After four months of being on Yahoo, I've had one date. But hey, I got a great filet mignon and some decent conversation!

Beyond that, however, it's been all duds. Take my most recent adventure with a guy I'll call Kid--short for kidney.

Kid found my profile and emailed me on April 26. At the time, my headline was "Is San Francisco on an Island?" This was my witty introduction, with the ensuing explanation that a student had asked me this in class one day. Ha ha, how cute! Etc.

So Kid reached out in an effort to meet me (message shown as I received it, aside from names being changed to protect the idiotic--edited bits are in brackets):

hi megan. i'm [kid] and it's great to meet you. come to think of it, san francisco is on an island lol. used to be known as yueba buena did you know that? anyway, i understand that you're high school teacher. what school do you teach at? must be fun being a teacher i guess lol! anyway, i loved reading your profile and i hope that we get a chance to chat and get to know one another, sounds good? you sound like a very nice cute gal and i like to chat and get to know you. hope i'm not scaring you away, am i? sorry if i am. just so happy to finally meet someone like you. i do have a great sense of humor and i enjoy making many people laugh even myself lol! nothing wrong with laughing at yourself is there? i guess it's ok just as long as no one catches you lol! hope to hear from you soon.. nice to meet you megan and take care. [kid].

I didn't respond to this message (if you know me at all, you know why). Really--get it straight, dude! Yerba Buena Island is that little tiny one in the bay that the Bay Bridge runs across. Duh! I quickly forgot about Kid, until he emailed me again on July 5th:

hi megan. how are you been doing? i just read your profile and i loved it very much. i hope you're had a great 4th of july as well. enjoying your summer off? must be a fun job teaching chorus and which high school do you teach at [stag mountain] or [your town] high? anyway, i'm doing ok myself. not working right now because i've been on disability and on dialysis for over two years now. i'm currently on the waiting list for a kidney transplant and i hope it'll come soon. you do have a cute name and that's the same name as my dietitian who just left to work for another dialysis company recently and she's a few years younger than you and also cute just like you which is a coincidence lol! did you know that megan means great in greek? it's true i checked it out online under baby names. anyway, i'm a nice, easy going kind of guy with a great sense of humor and loves to have fun whether it's going to a ballgame, movie, dining out, cooking, or just hanging out at home and relaxing. i do love cats and i have only one right now. another one died a couple of months ago. he was sick. i don't travel much anymore like i used to. i've been to italy, germany, switzerland, phillppines. never been to england but would love to someday. how long have you lived in england and is it any different than here? i guess you loved it here in california like i do lol! trying to cope with the very hot weather we been having this week so far. do you like warmer weather or cooler weather? how long have you lived in [east bay town] so far? i lived here in [other east bay town] for almost all my life so if you like me to show you around the area, i would love to. so much to see and do around here. the delta is lovely especially this time of year where many people would go out there to fish or just to watch. also, boating out there. anyway, i would love to hear from you soon so hope you write back to me soon. if you like to chat with me, we can chat on the yahoo messenger ok. write back soon and let me know ok. nice meeting you megan and hope to hear from you soon. take care. love, [kid].

Kidney transplant?!?

There was nothing I could think to say in reply to this message, so I let it go. Imagine my surprise (and dismay) when I opened my messages yesterday to the following:

hi megan. how are you been doing? i just saw your new pictures on here and i like them very much. anyway, you haven't wrote back to me yet so i figure that you're not interested in me and if that's true, tell me and i'll understand. you look like a very pretty woman and i loved your profile very much and i want to get to know you ok. hope i'm not scaring y ou away am i? i always think and fear that i scare many gals away on here because they either don't want to talk to me or they're not interested. i'm not that bad of a guy. i'm honest, easy going, nice and loves to chat and have fun. i really like to get to know you and be friends and hopefully go on from here. i hope to hear from you soon. take care and have a good day. sincerely, [kid].

At this point, I figured I needed to let him down, so I sent the following Quick Reply: Thanks but I just don't think we're a good match. Take care.

I went out with Heather to dinner and a movie. I crashed at her place, so when we got there, I checked my email. Guess what? Another message from Kid:

what do you mean by that? that just breaks my heart. you seem like a nice gal. anyway, i don't take rejections that well and that's all i've been getting on here. it's frustrating when i get rejections and i bet you don't get them at all do you? why is it that i'm the one getting all these rejections? is it the way i look? my life hasn't been perfect so if guess you think of me as a loser which i don't think i am. i guess me being on disability really turned you off and i'm sorry if i turned you off on that one. i guess no one wants to be friends or go out with someone like me and it really sucks. can we be at least friends? i guess not. anyway, i guess as soon as i cancel my membership on here soon, the better i feel. i have not had any luck on here so i guess dating isn't for me. i guess i have to single forever which sucks. i guess you and everyone on here don't see me as a nice guy like i say i am and i don't play games either. so whatever the reason why you don't like me at all, i can understand. i guess everyone on here has the right to be shallow and self centered. anyway, if you don't want to be friends that's ok. best of luck to you and take care.

Gee, that's not contradictory or anything. I blocked him, and reported him to Yahoo. I was tempted to reply to him to let him know that trying to woo a girl with talks of unemployment and kidney transplants is NOT the way to go...but I let it go.

So yeah, I'm firing my fairy godmother. I've deleted my Yahoo profile. I might give Eharmony a go, but for at least this next week, I'm going to hole up in my apartment with my scrapbooking stuff, my DVD collection, and a good, stiff appletini. Who needs Prince Charming when I've got Mr. Darcy and vodka?