Re-Tales

"Excuse me...can I buy this?"

"Hmm. I don't know...can you?"

How tempting it is to say that to a customer, especially when the feet are hurting, the stomach is growling, and the retail worker with the stupid badge-on-lanyard hanging from her neck would rather be anywhere but here.

Of course, saying that to a customer would spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E for Little Miss Shopgirl, so I refrain. My tongue nearly has a hole in it.

Yesterday seemed to be Idiot-Go-Shopping Day. I'm not kidding. It's a truth universally acknowledged that if the store puts a 10% off coupon in a newspaper ad, every idiot from one end of the state to the other will be in the store, bothering me.

First there are the people who say, "I don't have a coupon. Do you have one for me?"

"I'm sorry, they've all been removed from the ads we have at this wrap desk."

Angry look. "Well, what am I supposed to do, then?"

"Stick a pacifier in your mouth and leave me the hell alone."

Alright, alright. My actual response was, "Well, you can check in our office area to see if they have any more coupons."

"Can't you just re-scan one of the coupons someone's already used?"

"Sorry, the computer won't let me do that." And I have a line, asshole, so either buy something or get the hell out of the way.

"Well, call the office for me and see if they have any."

I'll just insert here that the office is about 50 yards from my wrap desk. How lazy have we gotten in this country?

Stiff smile. "Of course." Call the office. "Do you have any coupons back there? You do? Great." Turn to customer. "Yep, they have coupons."

Blank stare. "Oh. I have to go get it?"

"Mmmhmmm. I can't leave my area."

Meanwhile, the line is growing. I'm getting on the PA and saying, "Customer service to Home, please. Customer service to Home." Women with arms loaded down with towels and sheets and Christmas ornaments are glaring at the coupon hunters.

I had TWO separate customers (not in any way affiliated with each other) at the same time, acting like it was my fault that there were no coupons at the desk, and like I am some kind of horrible bitch because the computer won't let me rescan a coupon. And they have to walk all the way to the office to get a coupon. Oh, and I killed Santa Claus.

Got through that hurdle and got through the line of customers, as well. Then a man walks up to the desk with two items--a flat sheet and a fitted sheet. Both white. He sets them down and says, "Do these look like they don't match to you?"

My turn to give a blank stare.

"I mean, look...this one sort of has a pinkish tinge, and this one is more yellow."

"Um. Well, I...don't...know?" Baffled. I can see the teensiest bit of difference but, really, they're white sheets. Who's gonna notice or care? You sleep on them!

"Well, are these the only ones you have?"

I'm not about to crawl through backstock for this man.

"Yep. All we have. On the floor."

"Hmm, well, okay, I'll be right back." He leaves the sheets there, and I smile at the lady behind him in line. She starts to step up but an older guy shuffles right in front of her, sets his sheets down. I open my mouth to say something but notice the lady is smiling at me and mouthing, "It's okay." I give her a look of, "Thank you! You'll get your Medal of Patience in the mail soon..." and start ringing up the man's sale. He pays with a credit card and the poor dear has to have me point out the line on the receipt so he can sign it. His hands were shaking so badly that his signature was actually one long scribble. I finish up the sale and Mr. Two Shades of White approaches and says to the older man, "I told you to wait, so we can use my discount!" Then he insists on me voiding the old man's sale out so they can put it on a Mervyn's card and use this man's 15% reward discount.

I'll just mention that this poor, patient woman is still waiting, bless her. I give her another, "You're awesome!" look and get on the PA again. "Customer service to Home, please. Customer service to Home."

Someone comes out to help her and meanwhile I am voiding a sale and ringing up a bunch of sheets for Mr. Two Shades of White, who has apparently gotten over the fact that his sheets won't be the same shade of white.

"I don't have my Mervyn's card, can you look it up on the computer?"

"Sure, I just need your driver's lisence."

He pulls it out, I look it up. Nothing. Can't find it. "I'm sorry, sir, the computer can't find your information."

"That happened six months ago when I bought a pair of Levi's. This is bullshit."

I give him my patented "there are a million things I could be saying to you right now but I'm more mature than that" look. The one I give my 11-year-old choir students all the time. My mouth stays shut.

"Well, I'll have to go out to my car and see if I can find it."

So I stand there for 15 minutes, making small talk with this jerk's dad, who seems a bit embarassed, and wondering why, why, WHY people come to shop at Mervyn's and leave their Mervyn's card at home or in the car.

Mr. No Card returns with his billing statement. Excellent. I can use the number from that. I put it in. Denied. Inwardly groan to myself, thinking, "This ass is gonna make my life hell now..."

"Um, sir. It's been denied?"

"Oh, okay, well, I'll make a payment, then."

So I step over to another register, make the payment on his account, and step back to the main register to complete the transaction. I'm re-typing his account number in and he's bitching about how it couldn't be found in the computer.

I've had enough. "Well, that is not in my control."

Pause. Surprised look. "Oh, I know, it's not your, fault but you'd think they could have fixed it by now...blah, blah, blah, blah." I tuned out and finished the transaction. It was with great relief that I sent this man on his way. A few minutes later I had some time to clean up my department and found white sheets in all the wrong places. I guess he never found a matching pair.

A little while later, I get a little bit of humor in my afternoon. A man walks up to the register carrying a box of pots and pans in a bag.

"I need to return these...I've got the receipt right here."

"Okay, great."

"They ain't been opened or anything..."

"That's fine, I'll just scan this..."

"They were supposed to be a gift for a young lady, but I went home one day and found her with another man."

I stop what I'm doing.

"Oh. Um. Wow. Well. I'm...so...sorry."

"So I'm returning these 'cause I'm not spending all this money on her now."

"Oh, yes. That's perfectly...reasonable."

Bless him. He was really polite to me (unlike other customers that day), but did I need to know exactly why he was returning these?

At least it gave me a good laugh. Not at him, because I know what it's like to be dumped for someone else, but at the randomness of this guy telling me all about his girl's cheating ways.

Most of the rest of my shift was okay. I had one lady purchase a bunch of picture frames and a casserole dish, then come back 15 minutes later, return everything, and then purchase it again, because now she had a coupon. Her total savings? Three dollars.

I guess that's a medium Frappucino.

As soon as another gal came at 6:30, I promptly hid in remote corners of the store, recovering and putting things away. I'd had enough of customer service for the day.