Every once in a while, like anyone, I get a case of the Blahs and start to doubt myself. It started happening last night, as I sat at choir rehearsal sending our awesome conductor, Don, my particular brand of death-ray eyeballs. I was not pleased, you see, that he's making us memorize Festival Magnificat.
It was all I could do last year to memorize Personet Hodie, a Latin processional. The good news there was that we were singing in the dark, holding glow sticks, processing through the aisles of the theater towards the stage, so no one could see the short soprano matching vowels but almost ignoring the consonants because she couldn't recall half of the Latin words. The good news is, that for the return of that piece to this year's holiday performance, I have been able to memorize much more of it. This year, we added Betelehemu, a wonderful African song (obviously about Bethelehem and that one incident that happened there a couple thousand years ago). At first I thought I'd never memorize it but last night I found out I'm in really good shape with that, too.
But the Magnificat. Oy vey. The Magnificat.
For starters, it's a terrific piece--and it's brand-new. Our choir commissioned it to celebrate the 20th anniversary of our children's chorus, so the kids will be singing with us this beautiful, never-heard-before piece. It is joyous and full of crazy harmonies and rhythms (I love modern composers, they make everything so deliciously difficult for musicians). And it's in Latin.
And then Don told us to memorize it.
And I almost revolted.
You see, these Blahs had me believing last night that I simply could not memorize this piece. That Don was asking too much of me. They also extended to the upcoming winter performance that the students of Petite School will be putting on with me at the helm. Suddenly, I'm terrified that it won't be good enough, that everyone will regret hiring me, that the parents will riot in the streets because I'm teaching their kids sub-par songs or something.
Ridiculous? Totally. And yet, that's where my mind goes.
A lot of that goes back to the former boss, who criticized me at every turn. It angers me that I still sometimes let her words--a woman who left a principal job mid-contract to move in with her boyfriend and design cheerleader costumes--have any sort of effect on me. That I still sometimes, deep down, believe that I'm some kind of bad teacher because she said so.
She was wrong, damn it.
Every Friday, I watch my charges at Petite School learn more about music. They come to my class filled with excitement to be there, knowing they'll have fun. They love it! They listen! Sure, there are moments where they get a little silly and I have to stop and rein them in a bit--Old Principal would have told me this was bad classroom management. New Principal understands that this is how children are, and she likes that they are delighted enough by music class to get a little silly. And, of course, delighted that I can rein them in when they do.
So today, I decided to try a little exercise. It's time to exorcise the demon-voice of the ex-boss from my head once and for all. She has no place there, because she was so wrong. Years of good evaluations before she ever stepped into my classroom, glaring at me with her arms crossed, prove this. So I am going to type up a few of the nastier things she said, and some of the really stupid things she said (like the time she told the whole staff that our school would no longer let the kids play at the before-school recess. They could only stand on the playground and talk) and I'm going to burn that thing. Because the only value her words and opinions have in my life anymore are to allow me five minutes of being a silly pyro.
As for the Magnificat, well, I had a stern talking-to with myself this morning. Seems I have a music degree and years of experience memorizing choral music...so I'm pushing the negative thoughts aside and sitting down to do some serious memorization work on the piece. It's not a particularly long piece, and I know the rhythms and notes very well. I'm so-so on remembering dynamics and expressive devices, but Don is a fantastic conductor who gives them all to us so really, as soon as I memorize the Latin, I'm home free. That happens to be the hardest part to memorize, but some time spent this afternoon has been very beneficial in bringing me along.
If you'll excuse me, I have a burning ceremony to perform. Just don't expect me to utter any chants in Latin.
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