On Saturday, I had a "fat day." You know, one of those days in which your jeans feel a little tight, and you notice the tummy flab jiggling when you move. The kind of day that reminds me I'm not "done" with my weight loss yet.
I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, staring critically at the bits of fat here, and the bits of fat there, hating them, almost hating myself for having them. And then those awful, horrible words crept into my head.
"I'm still fat."
The good news is, rather than wallow and turn to the nearest chocolate to soothe my pain, instead, my Inner Hot Girl started screaming her head off. "You are not fat!!!" she screeched in my brain.
I took out my old size 18 jeans and slipped them on. I danced a silly dance in front of the mirror, letting them fall around my ankles, exposing my underwear. I pulled them up over my chest, holding them to myself with both arms and giggling at how ridiculous I looked, dancing around my bathroom with a pair of jeans that dwarf me pulled up to my armpits.
I looked at my reflection and quietly whispered, "You. Are. Not. Fat."
To have come as far as I have--I weighed in at 143 on Monday, so that is 79 pounds overall--and to feel bad about a few little bits of residual flab is ludicrous. But I do it, all the time. I compare my "fluffy" belly to other women at the gym, or press the tiny bit of cushioning on my hips and wonder when it will burn off. I inspect the wobbly bits on my arms and hope that soon, the amazing muscles I've built there will demolish it.
And I have a hard time seeing myself as I really am--not fat. I am simply not a fat person. I have fat--I'm supposed to have some fat--but I am no longer unhealthily overweight.
It's so hard to see that. But I'm not alone. This morning, a blog I follow, Fit to the Finish, posted this post about how, after dramatic weight loss, we have a hard time actually accepting that our bodies are smaller. Diane picks up a blouse at the store and thinks it will be a perfect fit, while her husband looks on and says, "That's way too big." I do exactly the same thing. While rationally I know that I can fit in a size 6, I still pick up a 10 and think, "That should do it."
It's baffling, and maddening. I'm working on it.
And every day, I remind myself that there are way better adjectives to describe myself with than fat versus not-fat. I am capable. I am passionate. I am loving. I am determined.
I am strong.
3 comments:
You're right! You are STRONG! You are in SHAPE! You are HEALTHY! Don't forget it. EVER!
Awesome post!!
Thank you, Erik!
1. You weigh less than I do :D :D :D
2. At my very thinnest, I'd lost almost 70 pounds, and nothing anyone could say would convince me that I didn't look the same as I did at my heaviest. It takes time and it takes exactly what you're doing: seeing yourself as strong and healthy and amazing.
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