I'm Not Supposed To Be That Girl

Since I stopped working with Gershom last July, I've had a sort of crisis of self-esteem. My weight-loss has completely flat-lined...and then I gained a few pounds over the holidays. Yikes! I do not like that at all.

I set my New Year's Resolutions, and so far, I'm holding to them, most importantly, to the 75-miles-a-week goal. I did 80 miles of cardio (stairs, running, cycle) last week and on Day 3 of this week I'm at 46 miles.

I had a chance today to show Gershom a picture I found while home for Christmas. It was taken in 2002 or 2003, and it is the most unflattering angle my dad could have possibly found. I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor. My face is fat. My body is bulging out. When I found it my first instinct was to shove it in the garbage can--but I made myself look again. And again.

You see, I was never supposed to be That Girl, you know, the one who loses a ton of weight and keeps it off. That Girl who goes from a sometimes-exerciser to a Gymbo in the space of a year. That girl who drops several clothing sizes. I sometimes look in the mirror, sideways, and groan over the fat on my tummy, or my bubble butt. And always, I'm brought back to reality when I slip on my new clothes that never would have fit a year ago. A year ago.

I have come so far, so fast, that my mind still can't catch up. Even as I pound the pavement in my fancy running shoes or aim for 15 miles in 30 minutes on the cycle, there is a very important part of my mind and heart that can't quite believe that I am That Girl. The one magazine articles are written about, with gushing "How I Did It!" tag lines and inspirational quotes about "how good it feels."

The truth is, yeah, it feels awesome to be That Girl. What's not so awesome is still having a tiny part of you that is so self-loathing it still refuses to believe that you actually did it. That still sees the rolls of fat in the mirror instead of the muscle, the imperfections instead of the amazing work that went into making this body stronger, more graceful, more confident. Healthier. Less anxious.

This, in a nutshell, is what could make me gain the weight back. That tiny voice in my mind that tells me, "I'm not supposed to be That Girl." I'm working so very hard to crush that voice, to keep up with the working out, to make the healthy choices. I've worked too hard to let that little voice get loud again.