Sluts, Whores, Cooks and Cleaners

I'm pretty quiet on this blog most of the time about my feminist leanings...but a couple of things today got me thinking...and fuming a wee bit. I just have to vent some steam.

It started this morning. A former NFL player, Steve Grant, came to my school today to give an inspirational talk to the 5th-8th grade students. It was a great talk--full of thoughts on choices, relationships, and how to succeed in life, etc. The kids seemed to like him; he was funny, engaging, and inspirational (not to mention, a former pro football player).

However, he had one point that bothered me--in his discussion of the roles men and women have in a relationship. Apparently, the man is the earner, the one who brings home the bacon to his castle. The woman's job, then, is to keep that castle fit for her king. He didn't use these exact words, but the implication was clear. He talked about how a woman cooks for her man, keeps the house nice for him, because "a man's home is his castle."

I quietly seethed. I'm very careful about what I say to my kids regarding feminism and the patriarchy. Frankly, I avoid the conversation altogether. At least 90 percent of my student population is Latino, and I know there are some unavoidable cultural views on the roles of men and women in society. This is not to say that all of my kids view the world this way--but it's definitely there in many of them.

After the assembly, I went to gather my 4th period class. Their homeroom teacher was discussing the assembly with them, and asked if I minded him keeping them into their VAPA time. I didn't, and I sat down to join in the discussion. Only to find that this particular teacher agreed with the traditional gender roles mentioned in the assembly.

He talked about how happy he was that he'd married his wife, because she takes care of him so well. She wakes him up with coffee and toast every morning, does the cooking, keeps the house clean, presses his shirts. She's "not the smartest woman in the world," but she's a good woman.

I wanted to scream. I watched my girls--these 8th grade girls who are so bent on having boyfriends to up their social value--and I wanted to cry for them. This is what they're getting? I try, when I can, to point out to them that happiness is not necessarily found in having a boyfriend/husband/lover. I wanted to shout, "If you're not enought without a guy in your life, you'll never be enough with one!!"

Instead, I just at there and seethed. And vowed to myself that I will counter these "lessons" they're hearing with lessons of my own from time to time.

I put it mostly out of my mind, and then I arrived home to read a post on a NASCAR board I read that my favorite driver, Dale Earnhardt Jr., is reportedly responsible for the breakup of a marriage--two years ago.

First off, the "news outlet" reporting this story is National Enquirer, and their source is a friend or the father of the ex-husband. The divorce was finalized in 2008, and the only pictoral evidence they have is a picture of Junior and the lady in question riding in a golf cart at a NASCAR event. He's in the front seat, she's in the back.

Obviously, I'm reserving judgement. The rest of the Internet, however, is not. I made the collossal mistake of reading some of the comments out there on the World Wide Wierd, and it's not pretty.

Look, if this story is true, I will be disappointed in Junior. Will it make me stop rooting for him? Probably not. If this story is at all true, he is partially to blame--and so is the woman in question.

The amount of slut-shaming I saw on the Ineternet today, however, boggles my mind. Too many people made comments that leave Junior blameless. What did he do wrong? He's just being a man. Hey, he's a rich and famous racecar driver, of course he's gonna sleep with lots of women. That slut shouldn't have broken her vows.

It went on and on until I was seeing red. I hit the "back" button on my browser and got the hell out of that mess as quickly as I could.

Look, when you marry someone and take a vow to be faithful, you are, of course, to blame if you break that vow--man or woman. But it takes two to tango, and calling her a slut or a whore while allowing Junior the "boys will be boys" defense is hypocritical. Proving that women have come so far...and yet still have such a long way to go.

I just don't have it in me to judge. I may be Pagan Megan, but I'm also convinced that my job is to leave the judgement to whatever higher power there may be out there. Like I said, I will be disappointed in Junior if this is true, because I think he's a better person than that. I just don't feel I can judge him though. A few years ago (in England), I had a crush on and a close camerarderie with a married male colleague. Nothing ever happened--we were simply friends who supported each other in a crazy workplace--but I can't say with 100% certainty that I would have said "no" if things had progressed beyond friendship. I'm not proud of this, and I'm not making excuses for anyone. I'm just saying that being human is a complicated and messy business, and it's not my job to judge.