Under Pressure

And so it goes.

The signs have been here the last few days. I've been feeling bleak. It's those early signs of depression and anxiety. I know them well by now, and I'm fighting like hell to make them go away.

I'm in such a better place than I was two and three years ago. Then, I was a mess--crying jags, panic attacks, medications.

I'm not on the anti-depressants right now. I've read that it's possible that anti-depressants don't really do anything for people like me, with situational depression; really, it's more of a placebo effect. And I'd rather not cram another medication into my body every day when I can combat depression by eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, and working out every day.

These things definitely help in a big way, but they're not entirely foolproof. I still have my mood swings, and this weekend, the fact that I've lost my job is setting in. The stress is trying to creep in.

So I find myself doing crazy little things to let go of the stress. I've watched and re-watched several tear-jerking YouTube videos of Gordeeva and Grinkov. As I cry over the tragic ending of their fairy tale, perhaps I'm also releasing some of the sadness and stress I'm feeling over my own situation. It is, all at once, escapism and dealing with my emotions head-on. Suprisingly, I haven't cried about losing my job since the day I went to the district office and heard it from the head of HR.

In another oxymoronic twist, I've been throwing myself into being with people and also isolating myself. I spent several hours at PetCo yesterday, helping with an AFC adoption day, but then I came home and spent the whole of Saturday night alone and not reaching out to other human beings.

Overall, I'm doing very well. I'm staying positive, with very little feeling of "Oh, my God, what NOW?" running through me. I think the biggest source of my anxiety this weekend is that this week starts and ends with my "negative" school site. And while there are some really great things happening there, it is also a high-stress environment for me.

But the anxiety is trying to bubble up. I can feel it in there. So I work out. I eat an apple instead of junk food. I cuddle my cats. I get out of the house. I write blog posts about my new vacuum cleaner, and vacuum my apartment because I feel satisfied seeing all that cat hair get sucked up into the Hoover.

I work my way through, because I know there's something better on the other side.