I guess I don't really hide the fact that, at this point in my life, I have no desire whatsoever to have children.
Don't get me wrong--I love kids. Obviously, otherwise I'd be pretty miserable being a full-time K-8 music teacher. People tell me all the time, "I could never do what you do--so much patience! I just don't have it." And I think to myself, "I couldn't do what YOU do--give up so much of myself for someone else."
Maybe someday I will get to that place. Then again, maybe not...because the funny thing is, the closer I get to that time in my life when my biological clock is supposed to start ticking at loud volume, the less inclined I feel to ever have a baby. If I do meet Mr. Wonderful and get married, maybe I won't be able to imagine not having his baby. But until I'm in that place, I'm perfectly happy to raise two well-adjusted cats and to have the freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it (finances permitting, of course).
And, of course, if I ever do have children, I really hope I can take some time away from teaching, because spending all day with other peoples' children and then coming home to my own sounds exhausting. People do it, and I admire them for it, but the thought makes me...tired.
I bring this up because last week, my thoughts on the matter may very well have ended what could have been a nice friendship.
Two colleagues decided that their old friend, C., would be great for me. When he contacted me on Facebook, I figured, "what the hell, I'm not going to turn down the opportunity to meet new people." The few times we chatted online, I didn't see fireworks, but online chatting is funny like that. His friends told me he's shy with women. Okay, fine. But our conversations seemed so...dull. Sorry to say it, but sometimes people just don't have anything in common.
I'm ashamed to say I didn't really read his profile right away, or else I might have known that we really didn't have much in common sooner. He's sci-fi, I'm Jane Austen period dramas. He's science, I'm music. He's conservative...I'm decidedly NOT conservative. You get the idea. The one thing we had in common is that we both like Lord of the Rings.
Then he asked me to dinner. I said, "That would be fun!" figuring, hey, give it a chance--you never know. He was out of town for a week, but once he'd returned, he never brought it up again.
Then came Wednesday. I posted a cute kid picture on my Facebook profile, and made the somewhat tongue-in-cheek remark that it could almost make me want to have children..."but don't worry, I'll go back to work tomorrow and get over that!"
Immediately, C. posted a comment: "So, you don't want children, ever?"
My first reaction was, "Dude, I've agreed to meet you for dinner--are we really discussing the children issue?" I went to work, emailed a few girlfriends, and decided honesty is the best policy. Later, I replied, "Not really."
And then I put it out of my mind.
Friday night, I was perusing my Facebook account when I noticed that C. is no longer on my friends list.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen: I've been un-friended on Facebook by a guy I'd never met in person, possibly because of my fair certainty that I never want to have children. I can't think of any other reason. It seems so ludicrous. I thought we were just having dinner! Obviously, he was looking for so much more than I was.
Meeting people is exhausting. If you need me, I'll be curled up with my cats, reading a good book, and planning my next big adventure.
6 comments:
I think that I scared off a potential suitor with my drunk texting the other night. Oops.
Here's the thing: not everyone is cut out to be a mother. Children aren't for everyone. And that's okay. Can it be a dealbreaker if one person wants kids and another person does not? Absolutely. However, I think it's absolutely ridiculous for someone to un-friend a person or refuse to even be friends with a person that wants something different than they do. In fact, this is a total coincidence, but I wrote a piece on acceptance and tolerance for someone else's blog that got posted tonight. In it, I say this: What is right for me may not be right for someone else, and that's okay. It's not my place to judge anybody else, because until I've walked a mile in their shoes, I have no right to do so.Differences of opinion are totally fine. It's what makes this world interesting. If we only associated with people that were exactly like us, life would be pretty boring. But the people that do only associate with people like themselves don't realize this because they don't know what they're missing. They're so afraid of what's different that they can't even see why different might not be bad.
Your gut feelings about him were right, obviously. And if he is the kind of person to un-friend you over something like this, something tells me that it wouldn't have been a great friendship, anyway.
A-to-the-MEN, Brit. Thanks for your input.
The fact he unfriended you says a lot about his character. Most of all, that he does not have the maturity to have children or cope with people who do not want children. Fact is, not everyone wants a screaming rugrat. That's absolutely fine; if everyone did, our overpopulation problem would be much worse than it already is. This was no loss on your side. You can do much better than that guy.
I see it differently. The guy knew what he was looking for, and right now that includes more than just friendship. If children are that important to him in a serious relationship, would you want him to continue pursuing you? Deleting you off his friend list that quickly perhaps was a little immature, although he wasn't trying to draw attention to it. Give him a break. You aren't compatible. Let him move on, and don't let it get to you.
Something that may seem of-topic: My husband and I keep the list of friends of the opposite sex on facebook to those we haven't had romantic feelings for. I don't add my old boyfriend. He doesn't add his old girlfriend. And we limit the others. Some people may disagree with it, but we are loyal to each other and don't want to jeopardize that for an occasional chat with an old friend.
I hope this makes sense. LOL - all this from your "ultra-conservative" friend with a million kids :D
Kristine--what I found so funny (humorous and strange all at once) is that we had not even discussed the possibility of a romantic relationship. As far as I was concerned, it was all friendship. So dropping me as a friend, without warning, because I don't want to have kids (if, that is indeed the case--maybe he just didn't find me interesting) is just strange. Hell, he asked me to dinner...and then poof! LOL
I knew some guys at college that were like that. The only reason they were around girls at all was to find one to marry. Some, at least, were willing to just have fun and be friends. It seems your colleagues likely knew what his focus was and were trying to play cupid.
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