Thursday, May 01, 2008

I Woke Up This Morning

I did not have a grand epiphany. I didn't dance around my apartment, singing in glorious harmony with the birds. I just calmly, somewhat clumsily rolled out of bed to turn off the alarm on my cell phone, and then I started my day.

Why is this special? Why is it blog-worthy?

Because, my friends, I woke up without needing to hit the snooze button ten times. I woke up with plenty of time to get to work on time. I haven't done that in months.

Depression is ugly. I thought I knew that, but you can't know it until you live it. And this year, I have lived it.

It's more than the endless meals of Kraft Mac and Cheese, or the laziness that kept me in front of the computer all the time. It's more than withdrawing from friends or feeling isolated by my frustration and anger at work.


I sleep well, most nights. Sometimes I wake up after a strange dream, or if I've had too much liquid the night before. Mostly, though, I sleep well. I'm one of those people who needs seven or eight hours of sleep a night, and I try to get it. But I knew something was wrong when eight hours, even nine hours, wasn't enough. I've always been one of those annoying morning-person types. In the last six months, that stopped. I considered it a good day if I got out of bed at 7:00. Keep in mind, folks, that I'm supposed to be at work at 8:00 (my first class starts at 9:00). I'm ashamed to say that's not been happening.

Morning after morning, I have hit the snooze button repeatedly. The alarm would go off and sometimes, I wouldn't even remember hitting the button so many times. Getting out of bed was torturous--my body was never ready.

Today, I woke up.

I woke up before my alarm clock, and even before the cell phone went off in the dining room. I lazed in bed for a few minutes, cuddling with Millie. At 6:30, I got up and started my day. I laughed hysterically when Millie streaked by the shower with my new eyeliner in front of her, batting it like a soccer ball. I felt cheery as I brewed a cup of tea and poured some cereal.

I was on time for work.

Depression is ugly. But believe me, after this long, uphill struggle to get ME back in my life, waking up feels so very good.

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