Sold Out of Miracles

I am so very, very tired.

First off, I will announce, informally, that I am leaving St. Peter's High School at the end of July. This is informal because I have not turned in my notice to the school yet. I'll probably do that next week.

I came to the decision yesterday after lunch. At lunchtime, I sat in the office of the Head Teacher's secretary, trying to convince my bosses that to continue with GCSE Music for the year 11s is pointless and hopeless. The deadline is tomorrow and they are not done. I have done everything I can to help these kids succeed, but it wasn't enough. I don't blame myself, but I feel horrible for the kids.

Meanwhile, my bosses think I can pull miracles out of my rear end. I hate to break it to them, but I'm sold out of miracles this week.

So it's a stressful situation. And the straw that broke the camel's back.



I am tired of so many things. And I have so many things I want:

Nicer kids

The kids at this school have been allowed to behave like monsters. It's a vicious cycle that the school is unable to get out of. I want to teach children who listen for more than 30 seconds. I can't get a whole class of year 7s to listen for more than one or two sentences out of my mouth. I'm not exaggerating. I want kids who do not have constant access to vending machines that sell sweets and crisps and sugary drinks. They'll never take the vending machines away. Why not? Money.

To care

I want to care again. I want to care about what I do and why I do it. I want to feel fondness for my students, not apathy and even sometimes intense dislike.

To teach

I don't want to babysit. If I wanted to babysit I'd work in a day care. I am a qualified music teacher and I want to share what I know and love with these kids. But they want nothing of it. I am so tired of fighting behavior and those pockets of kids who would rather throw spit wads. I'm tired of my classes being interupted by kids in the hallway who should be in lesson.


So I will most likely be heading back to Washington, collecting my cat, and starting a new adventure there.

I thought about Millie last night. I've missed her.

Speaking of, while Mom and Dad and I were in Paris, I got a little present. Dad was giong through his suitcase one morning and said to me, "I think this is for you." Then he tossed it to me. It was one of Millie's little furry mouse toys (a Mousketeer). Logically, I know that Millie just lost her mouse in Dad's bag while Dad was packing. But in my heart I know she was sending me a present.

So I have a Mousketeer on my night table.

This has been a difficult decision. I love England but I cannot continue to be this stressed and apathetic. I want better for myself. I have worked hard to become a teacher and I want a job that I can be proud of.

I will never have regrets. I have done everything I set out to do. I got a teaching position in England. I got to spend a year here. I made my biggest goal happen. I have nothing to regret and everything to be proud of.

It still hurts to know I'm leaving. But...onward and upward. Don't look back!

Cheers,

Meg