Reality Sets In

March flew by so quickly, a blur of workouts and work. It was easy to forget, for a few weeks, that I'm facing imminent unemployment.

But now April is here, and I have six or seven weeks left of a job that I love--or at least, I did until one person decided I shouldn't be allowed to do it anymore--and then...the big "Who Knows?"

I was driving home from a meeting on Thursday, down the street I live on, admiring the homes and their neat yards, lovingly-tended flower beds, and old trees. I was so happy, almost two years ago, to discover that I had picked a pretty nice part of town to live in. I want so badly to stay here, that I felt a sudden rage directed at my boss. How dare she try to take this away from me? HOW DARE SHE?

I'm starting to understand something, however. Just because I lost this job, it doesn't necessarily mean I have to leave Stockton. I might have to be on unemployment for a while, which will suck. I might have to leave teaching, which also sucks, because I love it.

In the past, when I've left a job, it's also meant moving. Big moves. Folsom-to-England. England-to-Washington. Washington-to-California. I tend to leave places and not go back. I'm so very tired of leaving places. I don't want to leave now. I want to stay here, plant some roots, and watch them grow.

To stay in teaching, I'd have to leave. I would have to go where the jobs are (if there are any), and I'm just not prepared to do that. But staying, and trying to find a job that will take me, is a scary prospect, too.

G. the Meanie asked me the other day, "What exactly is your degree in?"

I just chuckled mirthlessly. "Music...option in education."

Then he asked a very good question. "What do you want to do?"

"Honestly? If money and making a living wasn't an issue, I'd want to write. Not write novels--I don't have the patience for that. Be a travel writer, that kind of thing."

At this point, all I really know is that I'm not ready to leave the Most Miserable City. I want to help Chorale find a new director, then stay to work with that person. I want to keep working at my gym--even when my sessions with G. run out, I want to know that I can go to him for advice and inspiration. I want to be an adoption counselor for AFC, and spend a couple Saturdays a month helping other people find their own love matches.

If I had my way, I'd get a fabulous job and buy a home--maybe one of the small but well-tended homes I drove by on Thursday--and I'd continue to nurture the young friendships I've started making in this town.

So it's time to leave the Land of Denial and face things head-on. I bought a suit this weekend (size 12!), and I'm attending a job fair on Tuesday. I'm applying for education jobs, and hoping to find opportunities in non-educational fields. With unemployment, I can stay in my apartment until the lease is up in July. Worse case scneario will find me spending some time living with Mom and Dad for a while, or moving to Timbuktu.

I'm far away from where I used to be. I used to respond to big career changes with one question, "Where to, now?" Little Miss Anglophile, unafraid to hop on a London-bound 747, or who impulsively took a job in Stockton because she was never afraid to go somewhere new...she's hit her 30s now. She's tired of drifting.

Wish me luck.